Creativity leaks languidly from my orifices

[nickspoon]

One could perhaps say that I am an author. This is true in quite a loose sense. I once wrote a novel in a month, but nobody wants to read a 50,000 word monstrosity such as that. Instead I present a rather more palatable 8-page short story, entitled:

A Definition of Being

If you wish you may allocate yourself a short while to read it. I am grateful for and receptive to criticism, and like any person am simply elated when someone says "Wow, that's awesome".

[rabid_fox]

The passive construction of your sentences makes you sound like you have absolutely no control of what you're writing and gives the overall piece an air of extreme pretentiousness.

It's stilted, clichéd and over-the-top, I'm afraid. Were it other than it was, I would like it but, be it as it is, I speak in truth, I do not like it.

[Arloest]

I do want to read this, in spite of RF's critical-ness. But sadly this stupid computer can't view PDF files, and it won't let me install Acrobat Reader.

[Baconsticks]

I do want to read this, in spite of RF's critical-ness. But sadly this stupid computer can't view PDF files, and it won't let me install Acrobat Reader.

http://www.foxitsoftware.com/pdf/rd_intro.php

[Burning Sheep Productions]

The story:description ratio was much too low for my taste. You probably need to give more focus on distributing attention to important things rather than every little thing. In books the reader can imagine many of the blank bits for him/herself.

Also cliché much? I've seen that initial scenario in at least five separate occasions, most being child-oriented material. Though it's not a crime to play with a cliché you shouldn't play it so hard that your audience feels like they've seen sent back to kindergarten.

With emotional themes in this it feels a teeny bit immature. She is a child and it would be unreasonable to expect her to have the normal emotional experience but the portrayal can stand back a bit and sort of point the finger at her while describing frustration or determination or suffering etc. This wasn't an outstanding problem but a detectable one.

I got up to page 4 when the tone killed me. It was still the same tone as at the beginning even with this big plan underway. It sounds as if someone reading this out aloud was trying to seduce a gal with poetry but maintained that tone the whole way through like he wasn't paying attention to what was going on in the story.

I'd like to see how you go with other themes that don't fall so easily into these writing traps. Maybe something more light hearted.

[nickspoon]

I appreciate the detailed criticism. I see what you mean by the passive tone; I suppose what I was attempting there was a dispassionate narrative, but reading it over I don't think that's appropriate.

I feared I'd gone over-the-top, description-wise. This is probably my first time writing a very descriptive piece. I'd like to go over it and edit it again, but to change both the tone and the intensity of the description would be too time-consuming to be worthwhile. I'll keep your points in mind when writing in future, thanks.

[Arloest]

Secretly, nickspoon is crushed inside. I know this. Been there, done that, worn the T shirt.

[Burning Sheep Productions]

A necessary part of art.

[nickspoon]

Secretly, nickspoon is crushed inside. I know this. Been there, done that, worn the T shirt.

[GeorgiaCoyote]

Secretly, nickspoon is crushed inside. I know this. Been there, done that, worn the T shirt.

I think a few of us can attest to that fact.

[Baconsticks]

Secretly, nickspoon is crushed inside. I know this. Been there, done that, worn the T shirt.

Don't worry, I've had worse.