A short story

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 9:52 pm

He had a good long time of it. David Kempe put the truck into gear and pulled back onto the highway. The crunch of gravel died away under the roar of the diesel engine. It was cold out, one of those dry, cloudless mornings when everything feels like a museum exhibit. The underbrush that stretched out in all directions was a sea of desiccated grey and purple. Kempe braked in order to navigate an abrupt turn in the road which he supposed had been added more out of boredom than necessity. A crumbling adobe house near the turn seemed to shrug under the oppressive emptiness. Kempe turned on the radio and set it to scan for stations. Other than the water-drip sound of the automatic dialer, there was nothing. Dead air. Hardly surprising, the way things were going these days. Kempe sighed and turned off the scanner. No use going insane listening to that thing. Another obtuse angle, this time in the opposite direction, and the road was straight and clear to the horizon. Several miles ahead, there was a puff of white. As the truck barreled down the empty road at a mile a minute, the puff grew larger until Kempe could tell what he was looking at. A man incongruously dressed in a light-colored suit was standing in the middle of the road and waving a white towel. He barely looked old enough to buy a beer. Kempe came to a gradual halt 100 yards short of the broken Volkswagen and got out to meet the man in the suit. Car trouble? Kempe sniffed at the pointless question. Yessir, I reckon were lucky you got here. We haint passed another car since just bfor sun-up. You sure could have picked a better spot to break down. I dont think theres another town for a good fifty miles. Theres a new camp up in the hills. Thats where were headin to. Kempe eyed the oil stains on the mans cream jacket. Folks around these parts have gotten awful weary of outsiders. Youre lucky Im not the kind to pass judgement like that. James, is this man gonna help us? A young woman in a blue-green dress got out of the stranded beetle. Excuse my rudeness, said Kempe, Im David. The young man reached to shake his hand. James. And this is my wife, Martha. Howdy do. I suppose you two need a ride? Yes, can we load our stuff in your truck? I think our little car is done for. James ran his finger across the dusty widnshield. Sure thing. Well get going in a bit. The baggage was not so heavy. Kempe noted that they were traveling very light. We sure are, confirmed James. We was goin to a wedding when we got the news, matter-of-fact. Just threw the bare sentials in the car and headed off. Even forgot our cat in all the hurry. Hes right. We was in a big hurry. Lucky thing we didnt live in a big city. Weda never made it out. No doubt, Martha. We sure are lucky. All this whole time weve been nothin but fortunate. Cant explain it, don really reckon as I need to. So how did yall hear about the camp? Rumors, mostly. Last town we was in, the gas monkey told us thered been lotsa easterners headin this way. Said he reckoned they was goin to start over again somewhere up in the hills. An don forget the old man sellin pistachios. He said hed done heardwho was it? Yeah, he said he heard a lawyer and a policeman talkin about settin up the government an gettin the place organized. Thats how ye know its gonna be a good decent place to live, I reckon. So you dont actually know where youre going? Naw, we just heard it was right up near the mountains thisaway. You mind if I stay on my route, then? Im headed in the same direction, but not on this road for too terrible long. I guess youre the boss, son. Slong as we stop an ask people when we see em I don mind a bit. Martha leaned forward in her seat to look Kempe in the face. You say youre on a route? Where is you goin? I cant say for sure. Im a courier of sorts. I take things the way they need to go. My boss gave me directions, but I dont know where they lead. Really? Mind iffn I take a look at em? Maybe I can help ye out. Kempe produced a weathered piece of notebook paper, folded and refolded until it was ready to come apart. On it was written several columns of Ls and Rs. There was no mention of roads or distance. I dont understand these directions. How do you know where youre goin? You never know where youre going. It just tells you what direction to turn. If you only turn one way, you end up going in circles. If you go straight all the time, you wind up in the ocean, no matter what direction youre heading. The only way to run forever is to go every which way. Well, how do ye know what roads to turn at? You cant take them all. I know them when I see them. James looked neglected. Well, you got directions, we can figure this out with a map. James pulled open the glove compartment. A pair of glasses fell out. I sure am sorry. You need these for readin? James picked the thick-framed glasses off the floor. One of the lenses had popped out. Dont worry about it, I dont need them. Are you sure? These are kinda thick. You got contacts? Its fine! Kempe snatched the glasses out of James hand and threw them on the dashboard. They rode in silence after that. The truck beat on past the horizon, and on again before they saw the town. The sun passed its zenith and descended towards the west. James, honey, you reckon we oughta stop here for dinner? I know its early, but we didnt eat lunch. Sounds like a fine idea to me! Whaddaya say, David? I suppose it will be ok if we take a break. Thats good. Oh! That place says they got tamales. You like them tamales now, dontcha? You know me, all right. Kempe told the couple to eat while he refueled the truck. While gas monkeys had become a necessity once more farther east, here the pumps were still self-serve. The truck was built for duty out in the plains. There were two extra fuel tanks, allowing for 100 gallons of diesel. The truck could go 1500 miles or more between fuel stops. These days those stops were getting harder to find. Martha and James were sitting with a man in blue coveralls, discussing something animatedly. Martha was grinning widely while they ate. Kempe finished refueling the truck and began to inspect the engine for signs of trouble. The couple was finished eating now, and the other man looked ready to leave. Hey David, you ready to go? We got some good news. I got you a doggie bag. I figured you were pretty hungry. Martha held up a grease-stained sack. Im as ready as Ill ever be. Appreciate it. That man we met in the restauranthes been to the camp. Says its only two hours or so from here. Well make if before night sure if we get goin soon. Martha was beaming. Well get good work there for sure. What luck! Well, wed better get a move on, havent we? Kempe knew what he had to do. Hed thought it all out. Once the travelers were well out of town, Kempe waited until he saw where a creek bed crossed the road. Engines running a bit ragged. Im gonna stop and see what the trouble is. You two stretch your legs a while. While the couple talked to each other on the tailgate, Kempe pulled his revolver from beneath the drivers seat. They were cheerful to the last. The only way to run forever is to go every which way.

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 1:10 am

Perhaps a bit of background is in order. I wrote this for English class, but I haven't turned it in yet. Not to worry, it is in no way, unlike the majority of what I write, autobiographical. I was just wondering if anyone could provide some constructive criticism for me.

Henohenomoheji · Postby **Henohenomoheji** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 3:55 am

careful... people could figure out who you are...

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 4:03 am

Cdt. PFC Dan Severn, Rm 116, Dorm 7, Texas A&M University, College Station, Texas, USA Oops

erikbarrett · Postby **erikbarrett** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 3:22 am

It's spelled "S'il vous plait." What, the story? Okay, I thought it was really good. I just have a few technical details. 1) You don't need "he supposed" in the beginning. You want to describe the world, not how Kempe supposes it is. Try "seeming was" or "haphazardly arranged out of boredom" or something like that. The "more out of boredom" bit is very imagative(?). 2) When all three people are talking, include "Kempe says" - or something more discriptive - in Kempe's lines. It's easy to tell James and Martha apart, but three people becomes a bit hard to follow. 3) Little known writing tip - it is better to use expressions of size, distance, etc. than numbers. Namely, "8 miles ahead" could be "several minutes up the road;" "He looked to be maybe 25" might be "where a middle aged man stood;" etc. Of course, sometimes it's better to use the numbers. 100 gallons and 1500 miles are more exact, and display a sense of "trucker knowledge," so to speak. Of course, play with it for awhile. I'm sure you'll come up with better phrases than I did. You wrote it, after all; it makes sense that you words will fit better than mine.

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:19 pm

I seriously appreciate the feedback. I prefer to keep the "he supposed" in, because really this story follows Kempe, rather than being pure third person. I was trying to describe how Kempe saw the world, not how it necessarily was. I tried to clean up the dialogue a little bit; I'm still experimenting with not using "he said" tags, so I added a bit of detail about what some of the speakers were doing to make things more clear. I'll edit my original post with the changes I made. Again, muchisimas gracias.

Ozymandias · Postby **Ozymandias** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 5:39 pm

woo, i liked that. I thought the peeps with the broken down VW would be the killers, but thatr just made it better. And I like the "buy a beer" description of his age, and the way you're not always completely exact, yet you are when you really need to be. I did lose the dialogue in places, but I think I mostly got it. And this may be nit-picking but shouldn't it be "He'd had a good long time of it"? One main thing I will say is the "Other than the water-drip sound of the automatic dialer, there was no sound." bit should have a different word for sound, maybe like "Other than the water-drip sound of the automatic dialer, there was a solemn silence." or something like that. You don't even need the adjective in there with silence. Anyhaw I liked it and you should get a good grade.

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 8:38 pm

Grammatically, I believe you are correct. However, no one says "He'd had a good long time of it" at a funeral. So I went with common usage. Good catch on the repetition of the word "sound." I think it flows better now.

Ozymandias · Postby **Ozymandias** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 8:40 pm

ooh i love it - dead air. Is that irony? And I didnt realise it was a funeral. Yeah, ur right, keep it as "He had a good long time of it"

Septimius Severus · Postby **Septimius Severus** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 8:46 pm

Well, it's something you'd say at a funeral of someone who lived to a ripe old age. I'll leave it up to the reader to decide whether that's Kempe's voice or the Narrator's, and who it is referring to.

Steve the Pocket · Postby **Steve the Pocket** » Thu Sep 30, 2004 8:42 pm

Your story reminds me of Douglas Adams' style of writing. Wish I could write like that.

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A short story

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