My Script for the O&M Fan Cartoon

[ImAWaffle]

http://s11.invisionfree.com/Moddex/inde ... wtopic=157

So, what do you think?

[Ranma-chan]

overall i like it though there are parts that could be worked on. is that your rough?

[ImAWaffle]

overall i like it though there are parts that could be worked on. is that your rough?

It could be. What would you like to see improved?

[Holyman83]

LOL Like it!

[Ranma-chan]

wow been a wile since i critiqued stuff i would have to look over it a lot closer but i can get back to you on that in a bit ^_^;;

*edit*

i truly cant put my finger on what was bothering me...but like i said overall i like it. man i wish maggie was here. she would know

[Zaaphod]

Looks pretty good.

[The J.A.M.]

Good start.

[Foxhound]

pretty good. I like it so far.

[ImAWaffle]

"Good start"? "So far"?

How long do you want this to BE?

[Gizensha]

"Good start"? "So far"?

How long do you want this to BE?

Well, it's currently 4 minutes or there abouts. (Yeah. I just did a dry readthrough myself cuz I was board, using my VCR as a stopwatch. The time's probably up to a minute under, and since the VCR in question deals in minutes, that four minutes I quoted could be anywhere from three minutes and one second to four minutes and fifty nine seconds. Just did it to give some sort of highly approximate idea as to how long it is (0:59-4:00 to 0:00-4:59...)

And yeah. It's good. A little iffy in places, but overall good. Hard to pinpoint what I'd change, though.

Hate to suggest it, but, maybe the actual format of the script? It's just seeming ripe to split it up into shorter 30 seconds - 2 minute 'strips', with a fade to black between them, instead of being presented as a solid block with scene changes. That would extend the length of the overall thing because it would probably add lines.

Stephan mentioning vampires but not wittering off on some tangent about encountering a vampire in a tabletop rpg seems a slight waste, for example. Avery using peer pressure on someone else rather than succumbing to it seems slightly odd (at the mention of 'we need someone brave' I'd more expect Avery to forgo survival instincts and try and emulate some tv character in order to seem cool)

Neither are actual recomendations, just throwing the ideas out. Millie's dialogue may or may not seem slightly unnaturalistic, not sure. Since I'm very bad at judging that sort of thing (and worse at writing naturalistic dialogue), I highly recomend a second opinion on that.

[ImAWaffle]

Hate to suggest it, but, maybe the actual format of the script?

You mean like write it out frame by frame? Like a storyboard?

Stephan mentioning vampires but not wittering off on some tangent about encountering a vampire in a tabletop rpg seems a slight waste, for example. Avery using peer pressure on someone else rather than succumbing to it seems slightly odd (at the mention of 'we need someone brave' I'd more expect Avery to forgo survival instincts and try and emulate some tv character in order to seem cool)

Neither are actual recomendations, just throwing the ideas out. Millie's dialogue may or may not seem slightly unnaturalistic, not sure. Since I'm very bad at judging that sort of thing (and worse at writing naturalistic dialogue), I highly recomend a second opinion on that.

Did I at least get Timulty right?

[Ranma-chan]

do you mean something like this for format just with indents (written like it a movies screenplay)

http://s12.invisionfree.com/Foxton_Foru ... wtopic=380

ya i wrote that and it is bad and isnt done <_<

i will pin point what i was saying was giving me a problem so you know what i was talking about when i read it

[Chris]

XD awesome!!

[CodeCat]

I really like this, definitely! It captures the personalities we all know and love very well.

But I have a few ideas that might make it even better, I'll post them in that topic when I get back home later today.

[Tom Flapwell]

Did I at least get Timulty right?

Actually, the main thing bothering me was the part where Timulty runs at the mouth. I mean, has he ever done that before except with a song?