main thing is that at times you seem wordy in the dialogue, thus the iffy parts. i would suggest maybe going over it and finding ways to cut certain things down for example the last thing ozy says could, like another said, could be just "you shave?"
another spot is when stephan mentions vampire but its just kinda hanging there. is there really a point to that. or when stephen dares avery to go in that once again feels like it can be written a little better.
same thing with avery's reply to that.
i liked timulty's rant about the bugger but i dont have a comment on it.
finally millie says um a few times to ozy. i think one of those ums is not needed
some overall things that i saw was the use of camera angle which in a screenplay you are suppose to leave out. thats the directors job to put camera angles. what you do is show more with short, declarative, and visual sentences for scene discription. try to show us more whats going on. i went to the comic to gain a sense of what was around.
for example you could say "cut to millie walking down stone path"
still not the best thing but it gives a better idea of the entire place. the less you say the more the readers mind has to make up, and no two minds perceive the same thing the same way. so with even a little detail you can more control the picture your drawing in their heads, becuase its YOUR script.
something else i noticed is the lack of feeling put in the words. you dont know how the character is going to say that particular thing. i recomend a little use of parentheticals. you know before the actuall dialogue you put something like " (looking about the room)" or "(enthusiastically)." that way we understand how the dialogue is being presented. there are times in the script where the character could say something a few ways but obviously there is only one way you had in mind. so show us.
overall very good, but can always be improved
